Ciderman Greetings and Postcards

Greetings Cards                Postcards

All greetings cards and postcards will be available on a CD-Rom in the future. Keep coming back, as they will be competitively priced for your needs! Never buy another greetings card again! PIY is coming! Print It Yourself customized postcards!

The Life of Ciderman      

     Born of British parents, Ron Apple and Ba (Barbara) Dapple, who, at the time of his conception were unmarried. Ron’s surname being what it was, Ba insisted that he take her name instead - Dapple! From the moment he drew his first breath Cy was doomed to fail, as his first word was their new surname of Dapple, but unfortunately, as it came out as "Drapple", Ron duly adopted it, and later had it made permanent by deed poll. To say the least, Cy's nappies were - well... Ron made sure he was conveniently elsewhere. It was tragically left to Ba to take on the gruesome task of changing it, an operation that on average spanned one and a half hours. Sticky was one word she used to describe it, but thankfully for Ba, nothing lasts forever, and before she knew it he was in his school uniform, and off her hands for most of the day, but by his eighth birthday he was already drinking eight pints a day; the more astute among you will note that that was a growth rate of one pint for every year of his life! Indeed, the situation was compounded by his parents untimely demise, just two days after his eleventh birthday, when his consumption literally doubled, and educationally speaking, by the time he’d got his “O” level (many people wished he hadn’t!) he was on twenty pints a day. Although not happy ones, his teenage years were far from bad, and Cy would entertain his friends at the orphanage with his mysterious new-found powers, these were the very same powers (although minimal then) that would become his way of life on reaching manhood. 

     I recall an incident in a local well known pub, (to protect the name of the landlord I can't name the establishment) just outside Bath, when his powers had almost reached their now legendary status, after letting go a massive fart in the bar, I remember watching the seat of his famous grey trousers blow out, and a split second later the whole outer wall of the bar disappeared with them, the tragedy of that “happening”, was that two tourists, who I remember were sitting in the window seat at the time, were never seen again! Many said they were never there, but I know they were, and the memory of that will go with me to my grave! By the time he was twenty six, he’d met and married Rita Russet, a surly and self-assured woman who gave him no peace, but being pissed most of the time, it didn’t sink in until after their thirty second wedding anniversary, but by that time it was too late, and she left him for Perce the Hearse, the undertaker. No issue came from their union, and Cy began to think he would never become a grandparent, and he was right, too much cider had lowered his sperm count, indeed, the clinic he’d attended felt so sorry for him they offered him some of their’s! Time passes, and having rescued enough landlords from a "dry bar" situation, a few years later he’d made a name for himself, and word quickly spread, and found himself becoming somewhat of a celebrity, drinking and farting for England, (well why not - one fuels the other so...) every where he went publicans and customers alike would wish him well, and, by him a pint - shhhhhit! Yeah, exactly! 

     Today Cy lives with Tina Tankard, and has bravely taken on her twins, Orchard Richard, (or is it Richard Orchard?) and Pippa Cora, and has recently discovered she has two Italian half brothers, Frankie and Fetta Fermentti. There is also an uncle, a full blooded Sioux chieftain. Uncle Wort Brewer was the only member of her family to own land, but that was simply for the reason that someone had kicked him in the goolies and given him two acres, but visiting them regularly, Cy takes with him a fresh supply of scrumpy. Life was Ok for Cy at that moment, although the twins and Tina regularly raided his shed to loot his entire stock of scrumpy, he didn’t really mind that much.

‘I can always brew some more!’ he said succinctly, while hurriedly changing his trousers! Two years later, things went seriously wrong when he'd taken Tina to Italy, to see her half brothers Frankie and Fetta. After drinking heavily for some days, Tina was reminiscing about her mother, but described her in just enough detail to set Cy’s alarm going!

‘My mother’s name was Ba!’ said Tina.

‘So was mine!’ replied Cy.

‘My Father’s name was Ron!’ said Tina.

So was mine!’ replied Cy.

‘My mother had a wart on her nose!’ said Tina. 

‘My mother used to ‘ave a wart on ‘er nose as well!’ declared Cy incredulously.

‘We used to laugh at her and Dad, ‘cos he had one on ‘is chin, and when they used to fight, they used to lock on to each other’s warts to try and tear them off!’

‘Yeah... I remember that!’ said Cy smiling, then falling silent for few moments his face suddenly changed, and looked akin to a drunken barracuda.

‘Did your Mum and Dad live in a little cottage by the edge of the woods just outside ‘igh Littleton?’

‘Yeah... ‘ow did you know?’ asked Tina looking puzzled.

‘So did mine!’ replied Cy looking completely baffled,  then the awful truth hit them.

‘Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!’ they screamed in unison.

‘So - you are a de brother and a de sister, and a de man and a de wife - yes?’ asked Frankie and Fetta - in unison. However that wasn’t the last shock for Cy, on arriving home with his wife/sister Tina, a stranger stood on the path by their front door.

‘Who might you be?’ asked Cy showing a great deal of suspicion.

‘I’m yer twin brother Ol Drapple, I was born ten minutes before you, people call me Ciderbloke!’ 


P.S. Of course I’m anonymous - would you want people knowing you’re associated with Cy Drapple?

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